I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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