I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
