i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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