he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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