Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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