That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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