So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
