also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
