Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
