I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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