so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
