I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
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