you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
