cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
