I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
