Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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