The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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