i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
