I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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