Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
As shirtless as possible
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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