Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
