There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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