Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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