I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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