I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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