Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
