So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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