first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
