Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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