The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
