My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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