Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
