mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
