I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
