My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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