They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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