Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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