party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Hippo gnu deer
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
