Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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