Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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