dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
