You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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