Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
