My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
