She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she smelled like a LAN party
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
