I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
