College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
