Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Are we still banned from the library?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
