Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she told me i tasted like america
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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