just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I bet he comes in French.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
