I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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