i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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